"Do you know the difference between education and experience? Education is when you read the fine print; experience is what you get when you don't." - Pete Seeger
Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, 'Esther,I'd like to ride in that helicopter..'
Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars'
One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.'
To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'
The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.'
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.
When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'
Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!
A Jewish boy walks up to his father and asks him for five dollars. His father replies, "four dollars? what do you need three dollars for?"
Michael J Fox walks into an ice cream store, asks for an ice cream. Dude says "Sure, what flavour?" Michael J Fox tells him "It doesn't matter, I'm just going to fucking drop it anyway". Because of Parkinson's.
Man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm. Wife is in bed. Man: Hey honey, I'd like to introduce you to the pig I've been fucking. Wife: That's not a pig, that's a sheep. Man: I wasn't talking to you.
A man decided that he was going to ride a 10 speed bike from Phoenix to Flagstaff. He got as far as Black Canyon City before the mountains just became too much and he could go no farther.
He stuck his thumb out but after 3 hours, hadn't gotten a single person to stop. Finally a guy in a Corvette pulled over and offered him a ride. Of course, the bike wouldn't fit in the car.
The owner of the Corvette found a piece of rope lying by the highway and tied it to his bumper. He tied the other end to the bike and told the man that if he got to going to fast, to honk the horn on his bike and that he would slow down.
Everything went fine for the first 30 miles. Suddenly, another Corvette blew past them.
Not to be outdone, the Corvette pulling the bike took off after the other.
A short distance down the road, the Corvettes, both going well over 120 mph, blew through a speed trap.
The police officer noted the speeds from his radar gun and radioed to the other officer that he had 2 Corvettes headed his way at over 120 mph.
He then relayed, "and your not going to believe this, but there's guy on a 10 speed bike honking to pass".
